


It's Not Rocket Science

by lucymonster



Category: Bleach
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-23
Updated: 2014-04-23
Packaged: 2018-01-20 14:06:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1513250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucymonster/pseuds/lucymonster
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Because <i>somebody</i> has to give Ichigo the sex talk.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Not Rocket Science

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not even going to try and make up an excuse for this, because there isn't one. I'll see myself out.

Ichigo fidgets in place. Shifts his weight a few times, from one foot to the other and back again for good measure. Picks at a dangling bit of skin by his thumbnail. It doesn’t do him any good. He can still _feel_ Renji’s stare on the top of his bowed head, can hear the gears whirring in his mind as he struggles to wrap it around this one.

 

Renji clears his throat. “Can’t you...I dunno...ask your old man or something?”

 

“I _did_ ,” says Ichigo emphatically, trying to fill his voice with all the confidence he can feel shrivelling up inside him. “He just cried a lot about how I’ve become a man now and then he gave me these.” He stuffs a hand in his pocket and pulls out a wad of little foil-wrapped packages. “Tried to show me how to use them on a cucumber, but by that point I was feeling kinda weird about it so I bailed.”

 

Renji hisses through his teeth. “That does sound pretty bad,” he allows. “Look, I don’t know what to tell you. It’s not difficult or anything, you’ll probably figure out most of it on the job…”

 

“Not good enough.” Every cell in Ichigo’s body is screaming for him to turn tail and run as far away from this conversation as possible, but that one sing-song little voice in his mind (the one that sounds like Rukia, funnily enough) won’t shut up and let him. “It’s my _wedding night_ , Renji. I can’t go in blind - she’ll never let me live it down.”  He takes a deep breath, and gives up on any lingering illusion that there’s a way out of this situation with his dignity intact. “I’m begging you, okay? I don’t need a step-by-step plan or anything - dad already filled me in on the mechanics.” The memory makes his cheeks burn brighter than ever. “Just tell me what to expect.”

 

There’s a long moment during which the only things Ichigo can hear are the pounding of his heart and the incessant squirming of his stomach. Then Renji chuckles, and claps him on the shoulder. “It’s not so bad for you, you know,” he says gruffly. “Least you _had_ a dad to fill you in on the basics. I had to, um.” It’s Renji’s turn to start shifting his weight, one hand scratching the back of his neck in remembered embarrassment. “I had to ask the captain.”

 

Ichigo nearly chokes on his own tongue. “Byakuya? You asked _Byakuya_?” Suddenly, his own embarrassment seems to pale in comparison. “Renji, why. Why would you do that.”

 

“Well, he used to be married!” says Renji defensively. “And it was him or Zaraki, nobody else had a clue how any of it works.” Despite their shared embarrassment, a tiny grin creeps onto Renji’s face. “He was actually pretty decent about it, once he got past the spluttering. Heavy on the euphemisms, though, some of it took me a while to translate. Couple of centuries-old married man still can’t say the word ‘dick’.” He smiles - it’s a fond smile, Ichigo thinks, which is a question for another day, and maybe one he won’t ask at all. Rukia probably will, if he mentions it to her once they’re done with...well.

 

“Anyway,” Renji goes on, clearing his throat with a self-important flourish. “If you’re gonna keep squirming like that, you can at least put the kettle on so we can do this over a cup of tea. Lots to cover before the ceremony starts.”

 

It could be worse, Ichigo decides, shoving the condoms back in his pocket and letting out the last of the breath he’s been holding. Renji seems knowledgeable enough, if a little blunt about some of the details and a little vague on some of the others. Which is probably for the best - Renji can make fun of Byakuya all he likes, but there are certain words Ichigo isn’t comfortable with yet either.

  
And Renji’s approach is _definitely_ less embarrassing than watching his dad with that cucumber.


End file.
